At some point ash adopted the philosophy - or perhaps simply realized - that she was impervious to intimidation. Short of physical threat, of course, which the following definitely does not constitute. Later investigation confirmed that JC Penney is hardly the only organization to employ the money-making scheme described below, as she addresses the desk clerk destined to open her envelope:
TAWDRY BUSINESS PRACTICES R US
Listen up, you flunkies, you schlubs, you nameless, faceless clerics yearning to breathe free graduate high school already and enter college, ultimately precluding another assembly-line, boring, tedious job in the billing department of an impersonal, behemoth, bureaucratic corporation:
I was you once. Yes, no doubt years before your mother was born, I opened envelopes, verified the check payment matched the bill, circled the amounts, stuck them in the OK pile or the Problem file, depending, foisted the discrepancies on the also underpaid supervisor, for a giant conglomerate, and you know what we after-school, weekend, summer-vacation peasants lived for? why, the occasional, much-too-seldom wisecrack note, the disgruntled customer unloading on an anonymous interloper (in this case, that would be you) his or her displeasure with the company. The humor of which almost invariably trumped the unpleasantness.
So here we are. This one's yours. My turn to be the disgruntled customer and you the innocent bystander who certainly didn't devise the company policy. I'M NOT PAYING THIS BOGUS - formal word: "illegitimate," as opposed to "illegal" - I REFUSE TO PAY THIS UNSUBSTANTIATED LATE CHARGE. (Have you studied that in school yet? It's the summary sentence of this entire essay letter.) To restate: I'M NOT PAYING MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE. Not as instructed by this notice, nor the preceding one, nor any subsequent computer-generated warnings that I'd better square up - after I have paid, fully, by deadline, with documentation, for the items themselves - or, or what, exactly? I can't shop Penney's anymore? As if I would care to reward the predatory practices of a crooked organization intent on pumping profits through sleazy tactics and attempts at intimidation?
Just how many suckers customers do your employers strong-arm into forking over money not for the merchandise (bought 5/14, due date July 12, check #2708, in the amount of $56.00, mailed and presumably postmarked July 10 [and it took, what - four days to hit your desk? not within the same country can I be held responsible for the delay; take it up with the post office and don't penalize me]) not for the actual, tangible items but for some ephemeral, substanceless concept called The Late Charge, not because the payment was, you know, actually late, or not paid at all, but because it wasn't paid so far in advance that no timing dispute could be dredged up like - to use a current analogy - winning an election too decisively for the loser to steal it.
Why, it's a regular scam. A con. A set-up. A racket. Like speed-limiting a stretch of road - as wide as a highway but residentially zoned - way lower than someone would naturally drive then stationing cops at either end to churn out the daily ticket quota. A rigged game. Tow trucks at overflow lots with hidden "Authorized Parking Only" signs at huge events where it becomes physically impossible to find a sanctioned space. Only not quite, since in this instance I actually met the requirement, I technically violated nothing. I paid on time.
Oh, and looky here: late charges on late charges! Like interest on interest! You mean to tell me this actually scares some people into coughing up what they don't really owe? They got in under the wire but Mr. JC Penney said Nya nya nya, no you didn't? You may have sent it on time but we didn't take physical custody of it until it was delivered from our mail room the next day or week? That every other envelope you open contains payment beyond the price of the purchase? Poor saps. Not if they'd consulted me first.
So who got whom? And what do you care anyway? Your salary's the same either way.
I could go on - oh #$%^ could I go on - but, well, you've got that next envelope staring at you and I've got my regularly scheduled life to resume. To review: I BOUGHT SOME THINGS; I PAID FOR THEM. YOU GET NO MORE. Tell your department supervisor to tell his supervisor to tell her supervisor....they can continue to send these friendly extortion demands (accompanied by cheery Shop Early for XMas exhortations any day now I'm sure) or they can spare themselves the bother and expense. For my part, consider the stamp on the preaddressed envelope my gift to you.
Oh. The note which made my day all those many years and miles ago? It read: You're in slippery hands with Allstate.
PS I am not now, nor have I ever been, an English teacher. And yes, I have read the fine print on the flip side of the statement.
Hardly a surprise, a month later, ash received another late charge, proportionately larger, as if never having notified the company of her intentions. Which, no doubt, as far as the company was concerned, she never did. It was time to indulge their guidelines by sending the original message plus this coda to the Texas office, where such matters are adjudicated.
All right then. Last month, I sent the reverse-side note to the Florida payment office. Figured it would be ignored by whatever kid doesn't earn enough to bother reading it - or pass it on to his/her supervisor. Apparently exactly what happened.
Too bad. The relatively stimulating message might have aroused him/her from his/her drowsy stupor, or maybe it did and s/he still didn't treat it as NOT YOUR ORDINARY BILL, you know, bringing it to someone's attention, having that person do something beyond trigger another bill the next cycle as if the note didn't exist, maybe even send it to your department. Anyway, now it's your turn, Disputation people. I'm having fun with this game of Don't Chump Me but starting to resent the time, effort, and price of postage. So this is my final message. Do whatever it is you do at this point but leave me out of it - I've explained the situation, my course of action (to be absolutely clear: I don't appease con artists), and have nothing further to contribute to this matter.
Ever.