In her highly subjective style, ash helps the reader make the transition from 2006 to 2007. Note the structure could be employed between any two consecutive years.
Tick, tock. "Le plus change le plus la meme." ("The more change the more the same.") Or, more aptly, "le plus la meme le plus la meme." ("The more the same the more the same.")
Those are the ungrammatical translations from the original French. Soon next year’s arrival will preclude dwelling on this year’s events, much as when, on December 26, the Christmas focus abruptly shifts to New Year’s Eve.
Tick. Speaking of Christmas, here's a prediction turned reality from last year: another FOX anchor writes a book warning fellow cultural combatants to guard against liberals quashing the holiday in furtherance of nefarious causes such as gay marriage, stem cell research, and reproductive rights. Anti-secular hero Bill O’Reilly dupes…convinces even more Americans that advancing health, welfare, and quality of life matters are an evil plot to undermine the role of God.
Tock. Let’s return to the beginning. Actually, I don’t remember January and February, do you? In March, Springfield reluctantly becomes the spotlight of national media attention when the mother of tornadoes threatens to rival last year’s Hurricane Katrina as a source of exploitation for alarmist environmentalists to point to and say, “Nya, nya, we told you global warming was real.” In other local news, the smoking ban is official, unless it isn’t.
Tick. The war is still a bummer. Speaking of invasion and occupation, Tony Snow releases himself from feigning impartiality as he glides seamlessly from reporter to White House Press Secretary upon which he accelerates the administration’s war against the media by attacking an emboldened press corps attempting to cover the truth. Speaking of the administration, members of it are beginning to hope they will be dearly departed before history’s judgment becomes immutable. Donald Rumsfeld promises George Bush he’ll never reveal he’d still be defense secretary had Republicans salvaged the mid-terms.
Tock. Speaking of the administration again, the fictional West Wing retires from television, having delivered the nation into Democratic hands in perpetuity. Conservatives vow that now that it’s gone, Mel Gibson, David Horowitz, and the guy who wrote the 9/11 docu-whatever will collaborate on that Republican administration series they’ve been fantasizing since The West Wing debuted. Speaking of Mel Gibson, he demonstrates The Passion of the Christ was not merely a one-hit-blood-soaked wonder by upping the ante with the neck-splitting Apocalypto.
Tick. Having raised denial to the level of performance art, Florida’s Katharine “God chooses our rulers” Harris pulls off her primary. Connecticut’s Joseph Lieberman enlists Newsweek’s house rabbi (and self-proclaimed professional Jew) to write an article scolding constituents for forcing him to run as the “Connecticut for Lieberman” candidate. Supporters and detractors accuse each other of a religious subtext.
Tock. Katie Couric breaks the evening-news-reader gender barrier to eventual indifference. As the novelty wears off, her ratings reflect that, regardless of personnel, Internet blogs comprise some mighty powerful competition.
Tick. Speaking of computers, liberal website Daily Kos registers its 100,000th user in August. With a mission of electing Democrats, the cyber community has grown so unwieldy that the proprietor prevents extracting reader comments to discredit the entire movement by secreting them into a hidden file.
Tock. The wrong Ann is silenced. (Disclaimer: not to imply the nasty one, Coulter, deserves the fate of the feisty one, Richards.) The planet chants in unison, “Go ‘way, OJ, forever.” Are homophobic Ted Haggard’s “sins” more egregious than racist Michael Richards’? Are Mark Foley’s enablers equally culpable? Ryan confronts a jail cell, Saddam the hangman. The final, definitive – we swear – report on the death of People’s Princess Diana is issued upon which I realize it is possible to care less than I did in 1997. Conservative columnists George Will and Robert Novak are remarkably enamored of Presidential hopeful Senator Obama, arousing suspicions of a conspiracy to impose the Republicans’ preferred opponent on the Democrats. I think “Ugly” Betty is really pretty cute.
Two Sundays before Christmas, the word “Christmas” is mentioned134 times (excluding ads) in the State Journal-Register, none preceded by “the war on,” while “holiday” is referenced 50 times. The day before that, the mail brings an unsigned message in tiny, timid handwriting: “What if you’re wrong?” (presumably about whether God exists). I wonder if whoever wrote it is scared of being the one who’s wrong.
Tick, tock. 11:59:59 pm, Sunday, December 31, 2006. One second later it's 12:00:00 am, Monday, January 1, 2007. If you happen to celebrate at a bar playing music, the announcement may be delayed until the song is over. It’s an artificial milestone, just an arbitrary designation of time.
In the year of the Special Comment, Keith Olbermann does Edward R. Murrow proud.