The origin of the following manifesto (indicated in black type, with ash's retorts interspersed in blue) is not quite clear. It was sent to ash by a friend who began a response (in red type) but soon grew weary and requested ash's participation. ash traced it as far back as summer, 2004 before losing the trail and becoming too nauseous to reread it in each subsequent incarnation.
It is reported to be a hypothetical exercise imagining General Patton as our modern-day President. In ash's best judgment, it is intended to be taken quite seriously. However, if it reads like satire (before the obvious satire was added) to you, you just might be a liberal.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRATic (though we'll leave the adjectival suffix off so as not to confuse it with the other meaning of “Democratic,” so much for sincerity) OR REPUBLICAN (or any legitimate party formed here) GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the (attempted) defeat of the Iraqi (let's not erode our credibility with bad grammar) regime has (resulted in more chaos and loss of American and allied lives than we anticipated) been completed. Seriously. Hope you're not merely listening to me, lest you miss my straight face.
Since congress (and more than 70% of you) does (do) not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. I have my reasons and you have yours, but let's pretend mine are the legitimate ones and I won't call you unpatriotic.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now (time? just guessing, ‘cause the sentence makes no sense otherwise) to begin the reckoning. And no, it's not a threat. It's a promise. Hey, I got my syntax straight. Don't bug me about clichés.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. Some? If the list is so short, why not give the full one? It couldn't be that some of the other allies are so small, if not powerless, it wouldn't serve my propaganda purposes to name them, could it?
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. That would be the new one, Tony, in his first public act before his job officially begins later this month. The one on whom I am counting to turn my popularity around on the strength of his charm alone. No matter that my policies, that citizens actually denounce, remain in place. And of course this stunt gives me something to point to when they demand substantial changes.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much (hey, I'm no mathematician; don't ask me to guarantee it) pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Unlike what happens here, of course. I don't do projection.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. Yes, it's that meaningless stereotype again. Got a problem with it? Then you must not be a member of my base, the portion of it that coincides with Rush's ditto-heads. You know, the ones who laugh at the 1,000th utterance of the same cheap shot, as if hearing it for the first time. Or maybe that's because they don't remember hearing it before.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. Scratch that, the one problem we still have, namely affording more tax cuts. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Now that IS a threat. Never mind we couldn't thwart the first major attack on our soil. How do we expect to bluff you now? That's right. My audience is dumber than I am.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. Ooh. Another funny. Get it? One is a pansy-ass country; the other one just about owns us. But don't expect me to make the distinction.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. Reference to the Russian term, comrades, to show off my international bona fides. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. See above. Though I hate French as I hate all things France. But ever since David Gregory tried to one-up me in Paris, by speaking French better than I'll ever speak Spanish, I've been waiting for a chance to retaliate.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. And the hell with whatever treaty will in turn not be honored when one of our diplomats visits your country. Which, by the way, they'll no longer be doing. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos (which may or may not guzzle as much gas as those ubiquitous SUVs we Americans drive. Of course, we're exempt from conservation those sissy environmentalismismism…ists are always preaching) be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. Yeah. When for once the mayor is a Republican, even the RINO version. I love it so much I and my mighty party infiltrated it for a convention to expl…coincide with the 911 anniversary, and pretended to be the aggrieved party when the demonstrators didn't like it.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change like by not mindlessly joining our interventionist adventures, you ingrate neighbors. Or, or….I'll think of something. Yeah, we'll transport all our stuffy air and infected water northward. We'll erect giant fans at our mutual border and figure out a way to reverse the flow of rivers. See, my scientists are already working on it.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. No more pretending like we're all tight and friendly. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. Forget that making nice with the Mexican immigrants. They go back; I don't need their votes anymore.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating (“abrogating”? oh, here it is, written above the text: to repeal or abolish) as I was saying abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. Which is a relief, since I never understood it anyway.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. And pay no attention to those traitors insisting it'll be too little and way too late. THOSE scientists will be taking early retirement. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care. And when you get fed up with all the little details you weren't aware of about their tree-hugging societies, don't try coming back.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. If they do, it will be terribly ironic, since that was my policy back in 2000. But now I'm coopting – uh, rediscovering - the philosophy and counting on you not to know the difference. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin" in my inimitable vernacular blather.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. See, we are the victims here! Certainly not the country we invaded on shifting pretenses, slaughtered by the masses, and left far worse off than it was under a dictatorship. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. (Snicker? What snicker? I was covering my mouth because I thought I was about to sneeze. Wink to my rich supporters? I didn't wink. That was merely a one-eyed blink.) To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys and thank you to the gals who support them. We owe you and we won't forget. Unfortunately, we'll never repay you, either.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. If you get my unsubtle drift.
God bless America and nobody else on the planet. Thank you and good night and now you can resume wishing your, uh, male anatomical body part was larger. Then you'd no longer feel compelled to project your feelings of inadequacy outward by playing tough guy.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can't read this, thank your gang leader. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier. If you're reading it in some other language, what's wrong with you? We don’t need to learn no other stinking languages.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)